U.S. Bank M&A Exposed: What Investment Banking Really Looks Like Behind the Scenes

A tough but fair look into the world of investment banking, what investment bankers actually do, what separates the greats, and some funny truths.

Once upon a time, I thought investment bankers were the literal masters of the universe. The white collar knights fighting to promote capitalism. The board room maestros influencing whether or not deals were done. And as happens frequently, it turns out I was wrong.

(Being fair, some of my great friends are investment bankers. But even they would laugh and agree with most what I’m about to say. Espcially as they rock their $5k suits and oh so understated Pateks).

You need to understand, I’ve been in the room with the so-called titans of finance—the CEOs, the boardroom warlords, the investment bankers who walk like they own the air you breathe. They flash their Harvard degrees, drop names like confetti, and act as if they personally built the financial system from scratch.

Are they skilled? Yes. But they are mere mortals, and don’t forget that.

Particularly with M&A you need to remember that almost every deal starts the same way: a bank’s leadership decides they’re done. Maybe the CEO wants to retire and doesn’t feel like spending the next decade battling regulators. Maybe the board is tired of the grind and ready to cash out. Maybe private equity whispers the right number in the right ear, and suddenly, “independence” isn’t as sacred as it used to be. Or on the grim side, maybe they had a death in the family or health scare and realize, the juice ain’t worth the squeeze anymore.

And once that switch flips, the investment bankers swoop in. They shine it up, slap on the right valuation multiple, craft a carefully rehearsed “strategic rationale”, and start shopping it around. Their analysts produce a bunch of meaningless decks with 69 pages (65.5 of them which aren’t even looked at). They whip people into a frenzy with conflict checks. And throw on their oh so humble air of self-importance.

Forget the fairy tale about "unlocking synergies" or "long-term strategic vision."

This M&A game is about money, power, and timing. Yes timing.

So instead of a deeply analytical post about the numbers behind M&A, here is a behind the scenes expose on what really matters in investment banking and how deals get done. I hope you enjoy.

If you are an investment banker, I love ya. If you’re a banker, or an MBA student, or a CFA level one looking into new careers, or a buy side analyst that knows companies in and out but are still wondering how M&A works (in banks) this ones for you.

Parody for the most part … or is it?